We Within

Vertigo. That's the first word that pops up in my head when I sit down to define how I feel right now. In my mind's eye, I see James Stewart climbing a ladder in Hitchcock's universe. I won't fall, I know I won't fall, but the ground seems so far away. Is this the right metaphor to describe what relocating feels like? I know it is for me. Nine months ago, my partner and I moved to this town knowing we'd have to leave ten months later. Now, a month away from that end date, our world is spinning. We had a vision when we came here but the reality didn't match that vision. We thought we would find a little house with a little garden. We thought the lower costs here would help us save. We thought we'd have the peace and quiet we had been craving for so long after living in the big city for many years. What we found instead was a temporary apartment with higher costs and a lower income than we expected. We did find quiet but not as much peace as we hoped for

I lie down and my body and the surface underneath become one, flesh and fabric intertwined. Too tired for verticality. Three weeks ago something invaded my body, something whose name I still can't recall despite having been told twice, despite having repeated it myself so I would remember, as if tasting the word would help retain it. All I know is this is not unusual. Bodies are invaded all the time. When you're alive, everyone and everything wants a piece of you. Life attracts life. Songs from another world play in my head as my body attempts to get rid of this foreign entity. It fights and fights, sending waves of sharp pain on top of a layer of dull pain. The invader travels through my body. It's strange to imagine this microscopic organism exploring the life I contain. I heard our bodies hold more bacterial cells than human cells. What does that make us? More home than human? I find beauty in that thought, our cells dancing with all these other cells. Isn't that tru

I've been thinking a lot about a movie I saw as a child:  Powder , perhaps not a great film, but the impact it had on me was powerful. I like this description I read on Wikipedia : "[ Powder ] questions the limits of the human mind and body while also displaying society's capacity for cruelty, and raises hope that humanity will advance to a state of better understanding." The main character, Powder, is a sensitive young man who has the ability to conduct electricity, emotions and energy in general (bear with me, keep an open mind). I identified with him in the way he perceived the world and in his sensitivity but I desperately wished I had powers like him, and there was a very strong reason for that. In one of the most famous scenes from the movie, a group of men hunt a deer. During the poor animal's last living moments, Powder acts as a conductor between the deer and the man who has shot him, making the man feel in his own body the pain and terror the deer is ex

Today is Earth Day and I want to write a different kind of post. Throughout my life, I've encountered many people who think environmental issues are not an important topic, or at least not as important as the immediacy of other problems like unemployment, economic crisis or even whether a specific area should belong to a country or be its own independent country. These are all important issues, for sure, but what happens when we keep postponing tackling environmental problems is that... time runs out. And on top of these socio-economic problems, we have an even bigger one: Life on Earth becomes threatened. I also see many people who feel completely helpless and believe there's nothing we can do to avoid the impending disaster. They think it's futile to even try. It's terrifying to observe this line of thinking in younger generations. I feel for them, because they have been thrown in the middle of one of the most uncertain times. They feel betrayed by our actions and t

So much has happened since I last wrote here. There wasn't room for words, only actions. I left the slow pace of winter behind and harnessed the vibrant rhythm of spring. I saw friends and family. I attended a virtual four-day event hosted by Tony Robbins that shifted my mindset powerfully. I challenged fears and limiting thoughts. I appreciated the sun and the rain working in tandem to make everything green. I got a car, which is the first step to finding a new home before our time here is over. And now this. The birth of a new project that is actually old in my head. An idea I had more than five years ago but when I shared it with someone else their doubts became my own. I wasn't ready then but the seed was planted in my mind and it quietly grew until I had the courage to bring it forth. Never despair if doubts make you hesitate. Perhaps you just need to let the thought ripen. Perhaps you merely have to work on the soil first, the soil of your mind, and make it fruitful and

For years I've held this battle within myself in which two opposing forces threaten my peace of mind. I still catch myself some days, even now, wrestling with my emotions: I'll feel joyful, full of life, and then a part of me, the part of me that is still grieving my dog's loss, will pat me on the shoulder to remind me he's not here to share this joy, that I shouldn't be too happy, as if my unhappiness would somehow honour his death. Grief is strange. I feel something similar when I see cows grazing in the farms that surround my town. I always get excited when I see animals; I love observing them. But then, inevitably, I'll remember the cruel, unnecessary death that awaits them. How can I stay happy when I'm faced with the dark side of the world? How can I stay happy when I look at the amount of plastic trash all around me? How can I stay happy when the Amazon burns and the earth dries up and wars are still happening? How can I stay happy when I know our p